So today I went to the neurologist, she is increasing a couple of my meds because of the increase in my pain recently. I had finally made peace with the fact that I would ask for some sleeping medication so I wouldn’t spend most of the night laying away in bed and rocking back and forth. She thought that it would be more prudent to increase my dosage of melatonin to see if that increases the quality and duration of my sleep. We have also increased my antidepressant and my muscle relaxer. The hope is that if we can get my body back into a better state of being then it will also benefit my sleep as well. So I am willing to try it!! We shall see how it goes.
As of right now, my back and my ear are still currently in pain and now my neck decided it would join the party as well. Sooooooo just another ache to add along with all the rest.
If it weren’t for some of new friends I’ve recently had the pleasure of meeting I could easily find myself getting cynical or even disillusioned. Luckily, I am blessed with a plethora of good friends that are willing to be my strength when I need them. I’ve found myself hurt by callus, misguided people and considering my current state of mind it could be really bruising for me. However, I am going to take the next couple of days and give myself permission to do whatever I choose. I will have 3 PJ days in a row, spend all day watching Lifetime Movie Network, reading books, playing on the internet, taking long baths, just generally refocusing my energy on finding my center, my peace and my happiness again. I know that I am currently lumping everything together and I need to remind myself again of all the things that I love about life. I am very loved and very blessed and will move forward out of this current pain ravaged, hurt filled funk that I am currently in. I know that I can find the sunshine in this bleak, dark moment. If I can’t, could a few of you send me a flashlight?? :)
Monday, November 9, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Battling Depression
Depression can be a wicked cruel master. It can be a fleeting moment in time or it can stick with you for a lifetime. I didn't truly become acquainted with it until the past 5 years or so of my life. Having my body betray me has shown me a much darker side of life that I never really knew existed. But I have learned much about my companion, Depression. I have learned that the nerve damage in both of my ears makes me a prime candidate for his ill gotten gains. Having multiple system issues within my body also wears me down and gives that bugger an edge on me that is not at all fair. I know that staying busy and active can keep him at bay for a little while, but only for a short while. I have learned that Depression brings physical change in ones chemical composition. I have learned that simply putting a smile on my face does not change those chemicals. It’s more complicated and affects more areas of my life that I would ever care to admit. The symptoms of depression are more widespread than I ever imagined. He’s a crooked little man just waiting to slide into every nook and cranny you have.
I, however, will continue to fight his advances. I will retaliate with every ounce of being that I have. How can I sit idly by and let this creature get the best of me? I refuse to lose my resolve while under his spell, even though whiles of his evils has already seduced me. For those that have never met depression, there is nothing I can explain to make you understand his wickedness. For my friends that are intimately acquainted with him please know that I am in your corner battling along with you.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t live my life in a miserable state of mind. I am not sitting and waiting for doom and gloom to come lay their gnarly little hands on me. I go on dates with my adoring husband, create things so that this lil devil may not have access to my hands, read in order to occupy my brain from the dreary thoughts that he likes to weave into my day. Most importantly, I try to heal myself through the power of others, with their love for me, with my ability to make them smile, with hopes that I can touch them and bring a moment of peace into their lives. And there are those in my life that do the same for me.
Brendon. Even though I gave birth to him, he has taught me so much about my own life. Taught me how to love fully and completely. He showed me the world through new eyes, the big beautiful brown eyes of a child amazed by his world, eyes that were never afraid to seek their own path.
Tammy. My sister who calls daily to check in on her lil sis. She asks that overused question, “How are you?” But she genuinely wants to know the answer. She would be willing to feel my pains with me if it were possible. Actually, I think she did when she helped the nurse remove my bandages after brain surgery.
Robyn. My soul sister, to whom I will be eternally bound. The ups and downs of my life are experienced in parallel to your own ups and downs. You completely understand me and there are no words that can convey what I am trying to say. Thankfully, I don’t need words with you because you know.
Adrienne. The longest, deepest, most devoted friendship I’ve had. You have this amazing way of lifting me. For me you embody the saying “Friends are angels that lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.” You’ve always had that ability to give me just what I need, just when I need it. Never stop being you.
Terry. My beacon of hope and light. You always have just the right words for me when I seem to be floundering. There is not a doubt in my mind that God speaks to me thru you. Even when you may not even know that I’m floundering that’s when you’ll call, write or a box will show itself at my door. You always remind me of my blessings.
Mary. Your zest for life and excitement for having me as your extended “Momma” reminds me that life is to be lived out LOUD! Sing to the music, dance to the beat, embrace the beauty of all that is around you. Just the thought of you brings a smile to my face.
Pixie. Oh, I’ve missed you. You share my angst and I see myself from years ago in you. You have this amazing spirit that leads to me to seek the creative side of life. You always manage to remind me that even a wandering spirit needs it’s center and you help me find that center.
Katie. My happy, cheerful, smiling, perky friend. You remind my soul that it should never give up. That any summit can be reached by continuing to climb and staying true to one’s spirit. You’ve taught me so much about helping myself when giving to help others.
There are so many others who have touched my life in so many ways. Some friends from my past have come back around to bless me again. Kimberly for reminding me that Faith is the greatest asset one can possess. Teresa who shows me continually that love can conquer all things.
So the moral of this story is that we should do all that we can do to treat each other with love and kindness because you never know when you’re leaving an imprint on someone’s heart.
I, however, will continue to fight his advances. I will retaliate with every ounce of being that I have. How can I sit idly by and let this creature get the best of me? I refuse to lose my resolve while under his spell, even though whiles of his evils has already seduced me. For those that have never met depression, there is nothing I can explain to make you understand his wickedness. For my friends that are intimately acquainted with him please know that I am in your corner battling along with you.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t live my life in a miserable state of mind. I am not sitting and waiting for doom and gloom to come lay their gnarly little hands on me. I go on dates with my adoring husband, create things so that this lil devil may not have access to my hands, read in order to occupy my brain from the dreary thoughts that he likes to weave into my day. Most importantly, I try to heal myself through the power of others, with their love for me, with my ability to make them smile, with hopes that I can touch them and bring a moment of peace into their lives. And there are those in my life that do the same for me.
Brendon. Even though I gave birth to him, he has taught me so much about my own life. Taught me how to love fully and completely. He showed me the world through new eyes, the big beautiful brown eyes of a child amazed by his world, eyes that were never afraid to seek their own path.
Tammy. My sister who calls daily to check in on her lil sis. She asks that overused question, “How are you?” But she genuinely wants to know the answer. She would be willing to feel my pains with me if it were possible. Actually, I think she did when she helped the nurse remove my bandages after brain surgery.
Robyn. My soul sister, to whom I will be eternally bound. The ups and downs of my life are experienced in parallel to your own ups and downs. You completely understand me and there are no words that can convey what I am trying to say. Thankfully, I don’t need words with you because you know.
Adrienne. The longest, deepest, most devoted friendship I’ve had. You have this amazing way of lifting me. For me you embody the saying “Friends are angels that lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.” You’ve always had that ability to give me just what I need, just when I need it. Never stop being you.
Terry. My beacon of hope and light. You always have just the right words for me when I seem to be floundering. There is not a doubt in my mind that God speaks to me thru you. Even when you may not even know that I’m floundering that’s when you’ll call, write or a box will show itself at my door. You always remind me of my blessings.
Mary. Your zest for life and excitement for having me as your extended “Momma” reminds me that life is to be lived out LOUD! Sing to the music, dance to the beat, embrace the beauty of all that is around you. Just the thought of you brings a smile to my face.
Pixie. Oh, I’ve missed you. You share my angst and I see myself from years ago in you. You have this amazing spirit that leads to me to seek the creative side of life. You always manage to remind me that even a wandering spirit needs it’s center and you help me find that center.
Katie. My happy, cheerful, smiling, perky friend. You remind my soul that it should never give up. That any summit can be reached by continuing to climb and staying true to one’s spirit. You’ve taught me so much about helping myself when giving to help others.
There are so many others who have touched my life in so many ways. Some friends from my past have come back around to bless me again. Kimberly for reminding me that Faith is the greatest asset one can possess. Teresa who shows me continually that love can conquer all things.
So the moral of this story is that we should do all that we can do to treat each other with love and kindness because you never know when you’re leaving an imprint on someone’s heart.
Battling Depression
Depression can be a wicked cruel master. It can be a fleeting moment in time or it can stick with you for a lifetime. I didn't truly become acquainted with it until the past 5 years or so of my life. Having my body betray me has shown me a much darker side of life that I never really knew existed. But I have learned much about my companion, Depression. I have learned that the nerve damage in both of my ears makes me a prime candidate for his ill gotten gains. Having multiple system issues within my body also wears me down and gives that bugger an edge on me that is not at all fair. I know that staying busy and active can keep him at bay for a little while, but only for a short while. I have learned that Depression brings physical change in ones chemical composition. I have learned that simply putting a smile on my face does not change those chemicals. It’s more complicated and affects more areas of my life that I would ever care to admit. The symptoms of depression are more widespread than I ever imagined. He’s a crooked little man just waiting to slide into every nook and cranny you have.
I, however, will continue to fight his advances. I will retaliate with every ounce of being that I have. How can I sit idly by and let this creature get the best of me? I refuse to lose my resolve while under his spell, even though whiles of his evils has already seduced me. For those that have never met depression, there is nothing I can explain to make you understand his wickedness. For my friends that are intimately acquainted with him please know that I am in your corner battling along with you.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t live my life in a miserable state of mind. I am not sitting and waiting for doom and gloom to come lay their gnarly little hands on me. I go on dates with my adoring husband, create things so that this lil devil may not have access to my hands, read in order to occupy my brain from the dreary thoughts that he likes to weave into my day. Most importantly, I try to heal myself through the power of others, with their love for me, with my ability to make them smile, with hopes that I can touch them and bring a moment of peace into their lives. And there are those in my life that do the same for me.
Brendon. Even though I gave birth to him, he has taught me so much about my own life. Taught me how to love fully and completely. He showed me the world through new eyes, the big beautiful brown eyes of a child amazed by his world, eyes that were never afraid to seek their own path.
Tammy. My sister who calls daily to check in on her lil sis. She asks that overused question, “How are you?” But she genuinely wants to know the answer. She would be willing to feel my pains with me if it were possible. Actually, I think she did when she helped the nurse remove my bandages after brain surgery.
Robyn. My soul sister, to whom I will be eternally bound. The ups and downs of my life are experienced in parallel to your own ups and downs. You completely understand me and there are no words that can convey what I am trying to say. Thankfully, I don’t need words with you because you know.
Adrienne. The longest, deepest, most devoted friendship I’ve had. You have this amazing way of lifting me. For me you embody the saying “Friends are angels that lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.” You’ve always had that ability to give me just what I need, just when I need it. Never stop being you.
Terry. My beacon of hope and light. You always have just the right words for me when I seem to be floundering. There is not a doubt in my mind that God speaks to me thru you. Even when you may not even know that I’m floundering that’s when you’ll call, write or a box will show itself at my door. You always remind me of my blessings.
Mary. Your zest for life and excitement for having me as your extended “Momma” reminds me that life is to be lived out LOUD! Sing to the music, dance to the beat, embrace the beauty of all that is around you. Just the thought of you brings a smile to my face.
Pixie. Oh, I’ve missed you. You share my angst and I see myself from years ago in you. You have this amazing spirit that leads to me to seek the creative side of life. You always manage to remind me that even a wandering spirit needs it’s center and you help me find that center.
Katie. My happy, cheerful, smiling, perky friend. You remind my soul that it should never give up. That any summit can be reached by continuing to climb and staying true to one’s spirit. You’ve taught me so much about helping myself when giving to help others.
There are so many others who have touched my life in so many ways. Some friends from my past have come back around to bless me again. Kimberly for reminding me that Faith is the greatest asset one can possess. Teresa who shows me continually that love can conquer all things.
So the moral of this story is that we should do all that we can do to treat each other with love and kindness because you never know when you’re leaving an imprint on someone’s heart.
I, however, will continue to fight his advances. I will retaliate with every ounce of being that I have. How can I sit idly by and let this creature get the best of me? I refuse to lose my resolve while under his spell, even though whiles of his evils has already seduced me. For those that have never met depression, there is nothing I can explain to make you understand his wickedness. For my friends that are intimately acquainted with him please know that I am in your corner battling along with you.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t live my life in a miserable state of mind. I am not sitting and waiting for doom and gloom to come lay their gnarly little hands on me. I go on dates with my adoring husband, create things so that this lil devil may not have access to my hands, read in order to occupy my brain from the dreary thoughts that he likes to weave into my day. Most importantly, I try to heal myself through the power of others, with their love for me, with my ability to make them smile, with hopes that I can touch them and bring a moment of peace into their lives. And there are those in my life that do the same for me.
Brendon. Even though I gave birth to him, he has taught me so much about my own life. Taught me how to love fully and completely. He showed me the world through new eyes, the big beautiful brown eyes of a child amazed by his world, eyes that were never afraid to seek their own path.
Tammy. My sister who calls daily to check in on her lil sis. She asks that overused question, “How are you?” But she genuinely wants to know the answer. She would be willing to feel my pains with me if it were possible. Actually, I think she did when she helped the nurse remove my bandages after brain surgery.
Robyn. My soul sister, to whom I will be eternally bound. The ups and downs of my life are experienced in parallel to your own ups and downs. You completely understand me and there are no words that can convey what I am trying to say. Thankfully, I don’t need words with you because you know.
Adrienne. The longest, deepest, most devoted friendship I’ve had. You have this amazing way of lifting me. For me you embody the saying “Friends are angels that lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.” You’ve always had that ability to give me just what I need, just when I need it. Never stop being you.
Terry. My beacon of hope and light. You always have just the right words for me when I seem to be floundering. There is not a doubt in my mind that God speaks to me thru you. Even when you may not even know that I’m floundering that’s when you’ll call, write or a box will show itself at my door. You always remind me of my blessings.
Mary. Your zest for life and excitement for having me as your extended “Momma” reminds me that life is to be lived out LOUD! Sing to the music, dance to the beat, embrace the beauty of all that is around you. Just the thought of you brings a smile to my face.
Pixie. Oh, I’ve missed you. You share my angst and I see myself from years ago in you. You have this amazing spirit that leads to me to seek the creative side of life. You always manage to remind me that even a wandering spirit needs it’s center and you help me find that center.
Katie. My happy, cheerful, smiling, perky friend. You remind my soul that it should never give up. That any summit can be reached by continuing to climb and staying true to one’s spirit. You’ve taught me so much about helping myself when giving to help others.
There are so many others who have touched my life in so many ways. Some friends from my past have come back around to bless me again. Kimberly for reminding me that Faith is the greatest asset one can possess. Teresa who shows me continually that love can conquer all things.
So the moral of this story is that we should do all that we can do to treat each other with love and kindness because you never know when you’re leaving an imprint on someone’s heart.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Crying for Ginger
The weather today matches my disposition. It's grey, dreary, and wet. I usually am not a fan of such weather but today I am finding comfort in the gloominess and sogginess. It's feels like I am not alone that God and the world is sharing my misery with me.
I spent this morning running errands like going to the bank, picking up contacts, taking my laptop into the shop, etc. My laptop's motherboard has died. Therefore, it's time to buy a new one. UGH! But at least they were able to turn my hard drive into an external drive so I am easily able to recover and information saved on there.
I was pleasantly surprised that this was only $30.00 for the hard drive case and they installed it for free. Considering I am going to be spending some cash on a new computer I was grateful that this didn't cost much at all.
This afternoon we are going to pick up Ginger's ashes. I can't bear the thought of leaving her in Washington. She's a good old fashioned Okie and deserves to go back home. We also found out that our vets office made a donation to the local humane society in Ginger's honor. I was so touched that they had done that for us and for her. It was nice to know that they were also touched by our sweet Ginger's kind spirit and welcoming heart. I decided that we needed to do something to thank them since Ginger received excellent care from them. So I purchased a basket of Seattle goodies, a thank you card and included a photo of Ginger.
It's still so hard to believe she's gone. We still expect to here the jingle of her tags when we come home or to hear that snort when she sighs. But she's no longer physically here with us. But she will always be in our hearts and she will always be part of us. We were truly blessed to have known her. Ask anyone that's ever met her and they will tell you what a sweet, loving dog she was. Even though losing her has been so difficult, I am so glad that she has been a part of our lives. She was always there for me when I was having a rough day. She's always had a smile for me when I was down about my health not being what it should be. She knew just when to come over to me to say hello. She taught me alot about unconditional love, just being a happy presence when someone needs a little lift. Thank you Ginger for every wet sloppy kiss, the wag of that fluffy tail, that paw that would try to grip onto to you as if to say "don't let me go", those dark brown eyes that expected nothing more than a pat on the head. Thank you for sharing your heart with us it's been one of the sweetest things I've ever known. As I am writing this the sun is peeking through the clouds and I know she can still feel the love we have for her.
I spent this morning running errands like going to the bank, picking up contacts, taking my laptop into the shop, etc. My laptop's motherboard has died. Therefore, it's time to buy a new one. UGH! But at least they were able to turn my hard drive into an external drive so I am easily able to recover and information saved on there.
I was pleasantly surprised that this was only $30.00 for the hard drive case and they installed it for free. Considering I am going to be spending some cash on a new computer I was grateful that this didn't cost much at all.
This afternoon we are going to pick up Ginger's ashes. I can't bear the thought of leaving her in Washington. She's a good old fashioned Okie and deserves to go back home. We also found out that our vets office made a donation to the local humane society in Ginger's honor. I was so touched that they had done that for us and for her. It was nice to know that they were also touched by our sweet Ginger's kind spirit and welcoming heart. I decided that we needed to do something to thank them since Ginger received excellent care from them. So I purchased a basket of Seattle goodies, a thank you card and included a photo of Ginger.
It's still so hard to believe she's gone. We still expect to here the jingle of her tags when we come home or to hear that snort when she sighs. But she's no longer physically here with us. But she will always be in our hearts and she will always be part of us. We were truly blessed to have known her. Ask anyone that's ever met her and they will tell you what a sweet, loving dog she was. Even though losing her has been so difficult, I am so glad that she has been a part of our lives. She was always there for me when I was having a rough day. She's always had a smile for me when I was down about my health not being what it should be. She knew just when to come over to me to say hello. She taught me alot about unconditional love, just being a happy presence when someone needs a little lift. Thank you Ginger for every wet sloppy kiss, the wag of that fluffy tail, that paw that would try to grip onto to you as if to say "don't let me go", those dark brown eyes that expected nothing more than a pat on the head. Thank you for sharing your heart with us it's been one of the sweetest things I've ever known. As I am writing this the sun is peeking through the clouds and I know she can still feel the love we have for her.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Back to Washington
Friday night we drove back to Denver in order to catch an early flight back to Seattle. We were traveling at the right time and had an amazing sunset to keep us company.
I must have stopped half a dozen times to take pictures. But as you can see it was well worth it.
The colors in the sky were absolutely breathtaking and photos don’t nearly do it justice. It was really nice to be reminded of the beauty that God created!
The crystal blue skies, the snow capped mountains, the cloud tinted pink….it made for an incredible drive!
I am so glad I was able to go to Colorado to visit Lucille and enjoy this amazing scenery. Not to mention spending time with her. I so adore her. She’s one of the kindest souls I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.
This truly is one of the most beautiful spots in the United States. I am grateful to be able to go spend time here.
Then on the flight home after giving myself a shot for a migraine, I was reminded that where I currently live isn’t such a bad looking place either. Now, don’t get me wrong…I still find it waaaaayy to liberal for my personal preference but it has it’s pretty spots too.
Mount Ranier as seen from my seat on the plane. Not a bad picture for being shot through a plane window.
Downtown Seattle. This picture is a bit hazy but still I can’t complain because it was taken from the plane.
I love, love, love how this photo came out with Mt. Ranier in the background. It’s good to be home but sad because my fuzzy child wasn’t here waiting for us. But it was great to get out and clear my head.
I must have stopped half a dozen times to take pictures. But as you can see it was well worth it.
The colors in the sky were absolutely breathtaking and photos don’t nearly do it justice. It was really nice to be reminded of the beauty that God created!
The crystal blue skies, the snow capped mountains, the cloud tinted pink….it made for an incredible drive!
I am so glad I was able to go to Colorado to visit Lucille and enjoy this amazing scenery. Not to mention spending time with her. I so adore her. She’s one of the kindest souls I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.
This truly is one of the most beautiful spots in the United States. I am grateful to be able to go spend time here.
Then on the flight home after giving myself a shot for a migraine, I was reminded that where I currently live isn’t such a bad looking place either. Now, don’t get me wrong…I still find it waaaaayy to liberal for my personal preference but it has it’s pretty spots too.
Mount Ranier as seen from my seat on the plane. Not a bad picture for being shot through a plane window.
Downtown Seattle. This picture is a bit hazy but still I can’t complain because it was taken from the plane.
I love, love, love how this photo came out with Mt. Ranier in the background. It’s good to be home but sad because my fuzzy child wasn’t here waiting for us. But it was great to get out and clear my head.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)