Friday, June 1, 2012

My Hope is Seeking Shelter

I find myself in a really strange place. It’s like this 2657489986_145bf0ca94dark cloud has become my new companion and I am forever caught in it’s eerie shadow. It looms over me blanketing me with dread. Now everyone knows that “This too shall pass.”  I understand that time moves forward; moments pass and the calendar keeps turning. That is not at the heart of my problem.  I know that someday soon the clouds will part and I will once again be bathed in light and hope. But currently, I find myself in a tumultuous, stormy battle with these dark clouds.  Typically, hope and I are easy companions, fast friends, and lifelong partners.  Right now, however, she seems terrified by these clouds looming over me and she’s looking for shelter.

The fire at Arnold’s work, the tragic death of a friend of a friend and other events have become caughtdark clouds 3 up in these massive, dark clouds leaving me with a sense of dread and impending doom. The hope for a bright future has been chased off. Life is so fragile, so precious; tragedies happens and love is powerless to stop them.  t don’t doubt the strength of our love, our feelings for each other or the beauty in what we have. However, I have been stripped of my faith  for what will be.  What remains is this bone chilling fear, this mind numbing despair. I am frozen to my core from the possibilities of the dark things that could occur. I know its irrational but hope and faith have run for cover leaving me defenseless in this ominous storm.  I am losing sleep, my symptoms are raging and life seems to make no sense.

All of my usual tricks for staying positive feel like a flimsyrain2 shanty in this daunting dread.  I am trying to focus on putting one foot in front of the other, hoping that one day will turn into the next, and that these clouds will soon dissipate.  I cannot allow myself to think about the bright things I am missing but must focus on merely moving ahead in any capacity.  As a chronic pain sufferer with moderate nerve damage and severe balance issues, I am aware of the fact that I am an easy target for depression.  I can admit that it would be easy to succumb to the foreboding clouds of panic and depression.  I feel so powerless against this powerful storm; so, for now I will live moment by moment until this too passes.