Monday, February 21, 2011

Returning from the abyss

So lately, emotional challenges hid in every crack and crevice of my life.  There was not a place I could turn where something dark and mysterious wasn't waiting to ambush me.  It became so grim that even my usual place of solace ceased to exist for a time being.  This level of comfort I had found with my darling Arnold had somehow vanished.  I was lost, scared, broken and bruised.  I had nowhere safe to turn.  Nothing about my life felt right anymore.  It seemed as if every ounce of hope had faded from my life.  Never mind tried to find a reason to go on, I couldn't find the strength to care about anything most of all myself.  I was empty and I couldn't see anything that could possibly reach me.  There was nothing left inside to reach.  So I sat, empty, scared, cold, alone and lost.  I was only sleeping in 2 to 3 hour spurts and usually got no more than 4 to 5 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period.

In hindsight, I can see that this lack of sleep was what brought about all the other problems and situations.  But at the time I absolutely could not see that.  Anyone that knows me understands that when I am stressed or upset, I get loud.  It's what I do, it's what I have always done.  So when I am ranting and raving like a banshee, it just means that I feel passionately about something.   This is the tactic I have always used to drive home my point.  However, roughly 20 hours ago I found that I no longer had the strength to rant and rave. I was empty.

There was no inflection in my voice, there was nothing left in me that felt anything other than numb.  I had even lost sight of the fact that what Arnold and I had found was worth fighting for.  I felt let down by everyone I knew in my life, including Arnold. I felt that I was no longer worth fighting for. So how could there be anything left with Arnold and I that was worth fighting for.  As I lay there trying to find the right words to explain to him how empty I felt, I could not find a way to reach him. I could not find a way to make him understand that darkness of where I was.

Luckily, at my lowest point he was strong enough to find me.  He was brave enough to reach for me when I couldn't be found.  I was completely lost and too exhausted to search for my beacon of hope.  It was then that my beacon of hope came to find me.  It was then that Arnold no longer concerned himself with the how, whens, or whys.  All he saw was the woman he loved in pain and unable to care for herself.  He longed to hold me and to ease my pain.  But again we were so far apart and he was unable to get to me.  Luckily, his strength carried him and he sat on the computer for hours with me.  He listened to be babble on about my health, my hurt, my pain, etc.  He sang to me.  He let me find peace in his voice once again.  He stayed with me for hours and hours and hours.  He sacrificed, he stayed with me, he didn't eat, didn't enjoy his day off.  He watched me sleep, he woke me as I whimpered and cried out in my sleep, he comforted me so that I could find rest.

I now find myself thinking a little clearer, feeling a little stronger, and allowing that peace to enter my body once more.   There aren't enough words in the world to thank Arnold for what he has done.  I can't thank him enough for finding the strength when I couldn't.  I am so blessed by his love for me.  I am so graced by his faith in us.

Favorite quote from both the poem by Wordsworth ( and the movie starring Natalie Wood.

Splendor in the Grass

What though the radiance which was once so bright
          Be now for ever taken from my sight,
              Though nothing can bring back the hour
          Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;
              We will grieve not, rather find
              Strength in what remains behind

Friday, February 18, 2011

Finding Solace

Pain is constant in my life.  The majority of it comes from the problems with my health.  Even though my health is stable I have a fair amount of nerve damage that causes me the pleasure of living with more pain than most. I want no pity for this and I try to rarely let it get me down.  I've become accustomed to it and I try to remember that pain is another sensation like hot or cold.  But when the pain is emotional and caused by someone you love thats when I begin to complain.  I found myself in the middle of a full fledged mess last night and I am sorry to say that my sweet Arnold was the one who got the brunt of my anger, confusion and pain.  I was an emotional wreck and I completely took it out on him. In part because I didn't know what else to do with it and the other part wanted to make sure he'd stay.  I know it wasn't a conscientious choice to be like that; but in retrospect I can see it clearly. I've been let down by a lot of people yet I really trust Arnold.  I trust his love for me.  I trust myself to be open with him.  Yet I wasn't.  I was a mess.  There were moments when I would frustrated and when I would start coming back to my senses he would get frustrated.  It went back and forth that way for quite some time. But neither of us, would let go.

Today, I found myself starting to wallow in guilt over the whole incident. But I know he wouldn't want me to do that.  So I started listening to music.  The music he has sent me when we skype with each other.

These are just two of the songs we have shared back and forth. Right now I am just enjoying all of them and letting them soothe my fragile spirit. It's the closest thing to having him with me right now.  I can hear his voice singing in my ear.

Never before in my life have I been able to share my thoughts and my feelings with someone.  We have spent countless hours on skype with each other. I have shared everything with him, I have told him everything. He understands me like no one every has.  He might even know me better than I know myself.  He is calm and loving when my thoughts go too fast for me. He always reminds me to pray. He prays for me when I cannot. I am so blessed to know such an amazing person.  He sees me, all of me, for who I am.  He gives me strength when I am weak, he loves me when I am unlovable (like last night), he isn't daunted by sharing this complicated sick life with me.  I never knew such a man existed. If I could have dreaamed it, he certainly wouldn't be mine. But he does and he is. I am happy.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Joy in the Rain

Yesterday, found me in bed exhausted, in pain brutalized by illness, in a fog tousled by life.  Finally Arnold was home from work and even though he was thousands of miles away from me his voice comforted my soul.  I wanted him next to me, touching me to make me feel better.  However, he could not be here; instead his words became his hands.  His voice caressed me and helped alleviate my pain.  We each lay in the dark in our separate beds half a world apart, our computers connecting the two of us.  His voice my only connection to him, his slight accent lilting melodically in my ears. I focused on his words, the tone of his voice, the love behind his words.  I began methodically relaxing all the muscles in my body while he continued to spin tales of our future together.  Even though he only had a few hours in which to find some sleep before returning to work; he lovingly covered me in words for hours.

In those peaceful hours we spent together, we managed to plan a few details of our upcoming vacation where we would finally have the opportunity to be in each others arms.  We softly talked of the sweet blessings of getting to know each other intimately, like what his hand feels like when his fingers are interlaced with mine, what his lips would feel like pressed against mine, what he smells like after a shower, what his eyes look like when they are inches from mine.   We shared our hopes, our future, our families.  Once again we both found ourselves amazed at how similar our dreams for life and happiness are.  Valuing the same things in life leaves us open to being able to explore the details of how to please each other.  I have never had the pleasure of being able to so easily express my feelings to someone.  His belief in simplicity reminds me to let go of the daily frustrations in living with a chronic illness.  He loves me for the whole person that I am, including my son, my extra kids, my warped sense of humor, my quirky taste in art, my illness, my poetry, my twisted fascination with  Lady Gaga, my outspoken nature and my passion for living life to the fullest.  I love him for his amazing smile, his accepting heart, his beautiful daughters, his funny faces, his belief that there is either acceptance or rejection, his "a door bell" nose, his infectious laughter, his beautiful voice when he talks or sings to me, his ability to unforgivingly stay true to himself, for his accepting me as nothing more or less than myself and for requiring nothing more of me than my smile.

Life is beautiful, love is amazing, truth is freedom, honesty is a blessing, my heart is his and his heart is mine. I will thank God everyday for the rest of my life for bringing him into my life. I cannot imagine how dark life would be if I had never known his love. I am blessed.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

The Big Bang

Every Wednesday the kids and I attend a local performance art show call Bang Bang.  They have recently begun producing larger shows once a month on Saturday called the Big Bang. Brendon and Mary decided they needed to perform a song from the Scott Pilgrim movie. 


Mary and Brendon having a last minute heart to heart before the performance.

Mary, who can sometimes be reserved or shy about performing, strutted onto the stage and took command.

She owned the stage! She was so confidant and self assured.  Not to mention the fact that she sings beautifully.

Brendon did a great job on bass guitar.  

They are looking forward to performing again at the Big Bang.

It might seem that she is mad in this picture but she wasn't! It was all attitude! It was about being in the moment and being sassy!!

After the performance Mary changed into her male persona to lip sync.  

It was awesome how convincing she was as a man. I saw this person walk through the crowd but had no idea it was MARY!

She was lip syncing to a song by Steven Lynch which is hysterical and completely inappropriate. 

Her performance was so convincing, that she was asked many times if she was really singing!

Mary is such a talented performer and really entertained the crowd.  

This was such an amazing night and we all had so much fun.  It's great to get out and enjoy life with my kids.

Brendon and Heather.  She is the first friend he made when we moved from San Antonio to Oklahoma! 

Mary looking great and being excited about the show!!

Lead Singer Mary, personal assistant Heather and Bassist Brendon!! What a great combination!

Jacob, Mary, Heather and Brendon.  It was a packed house, an amazing show and I can wait to do it again.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011


I've been debating where to start this post.  What do I, the blog author, have to tell you, the blog reader? While mentally debating this question with myself, I found myself crying while sending a message to the new man in my life.  As I wiped the tears from my eyes, I realized that this would be the perfect opportunity to share the beauty of my life.  This journey may not always be this sweet and this beautiful; but it is always this real and this honest. What follows is the message I sent to Arnold. It's difficult because he is half a world away and I miss him terribly even though we have never had the pleasure of being in each other's presence.   My heart aches to be near him and someday I will be lucky enough to have that chance, until then I will remain hopeful.

Love, at first I was a little sad because you didn't skype me like you said you would. But I have been talking to Dani and Mary all evening on skype. They had a bit of an issue today and each of them turned to me for advice/guidance. I'm listening to them talk about each other and what they are feeling makes me so happy. They are in that place where they don't yet know how to be completely honest with each other without fear of hurting the other one's feelings. I'm explaining to them that the important part is just being honest with themselves so that they can be honest with each other. It's making me realize all over again how much I love you. I am not sure if you will ever truly understand the difference you have made in my life. You have truly opened my eyes to the real beauty in life. That acceptance is the greatest gift we can give each other and ourselves. There are no guarantees in life. There is no promise that we will live to see tomorrow. But I could accept dying tomorrow. What I can no longer accept would be living to be very old and never knowing hope, never knowing something this real, never knowing what it feels like to mean so much to someone else. You've given me so much happiness. You have shown me so much love. You have opened my heart to the simplicity of acceptance. Thank you for being such a blessing to me. Thank you for sharing all of your heart with me. Thank you for being so beautiful! I adore you and I know that our life together will be amazing.

I LOVE YOU with all of my heart and soul. Thank you for always reminding me to take my meds and to pray. Thank you for being willing to share your tears, your love, your faith and your prayers with me. I will always cherish them.