Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Finding Center

I am certain that everyone is wondering why I have fallen off the map.  I believe that most of you know that I was struggling my last few weeks in Korea.  I fell into a very dark depression.  I struggled with my decision to leave Korea abruptly, but in the end decided it was in my best interest be closer to more family and friends to help me pull myself out of the dark.  Unfortunately, my plan didn’t quite turn out as I had hoped.  My confusion continued and even darker thoughts followed. 

Last Wednesday, I managed to drink myself into a frenzy, followed by a stupor.  It was certainly not my intention but it was, in fact, what occurred.  I ended up in the hospital, out of my mind, too drunk to care, bruised head to toe and wanting to die.  As the doctors and nurses sobered me up, issued and completed all sorts of tests; I struggled with the decision to commit myself for in-patient psychiatric treatment.  Luckily, a dear, dear friend of mine, Adrienne, helped me see some things more clearly.  A, I love you so much.  Thank you for being my dearest friend for more than 25 years. I don’t know where I would be without you.  My life has been graced so many times by your loyal friendship and fierce love for me.  After being released, I checked into a hotel so I could avoid everyone and their opinions.  I managed to sleep some and eat a bit.  I have a couple of friends who lightened my mood and made me see that I can get through anything. 

I left the hotel determined to return myself to the healthiest state of normal that I can possibly find.  It starts with lots of journaling, meditating, repeating mantras of strength.  I am not allowing guilt to burden me.  I am love and one night of stupidity cannot erase that.  I am now starting to understand that I haven’t completely come to terms with my diagnosis of Arnold Chiari Malformation, type 1.  I have been working so hard to understand this rare condition; I forgot that I just needed to accept it.  Moving to Washington so quickly after quitting my job was incredibly difficult since I struggled to find a social life for myself.  I told myself that life would get back to normal once I was awarded disability.  Well it was Valentine’s Day when I received word that I was approved.  Here it is 4 months later and I still found myself struggling.  I can honestly say that I have hit rock bottom and there is no where to go but up!!! So I will spend the next month in Korea doing just that.

I want to truly find my center, be able to think clearly when the Chiari allows, and to embrace life once again.  These past few months have been so incredibly trying for me.  They have almost broken me.  But I have come through the tunnel and emerged into the light.  My faith, my strength, my character and love have carried me through.  Stick around for my climb back to health!