So the past week or so has really taken its toll on me. I have been left wandering in the midst of nowhere with no map or compass to guide me. Just after our fake attack, my back really began to hurt. So I nursed it back to help and it is not completely pain free but I can at least walk across the floor with out falling to my knees in pain. Being stuck inside for so long do to the attack and then my back has left me wide up for the depression to come roaring back to life. Kick in a little lack of activity due to above reasons and one can eaily find themselves lost in the middle of nowhere with no way out.
This is my truth. I am depressed because I am in pain. I am in pain because being depressed makes me more mindful of my aches. I have checked on several occasions and I am certain that I am miserable. But I find myself not knowing how to find my way back out of the forest this time. It's almost like I would rather sit here and stew in my own misery, rather than working at making it better. It has become quite easy for me to fault in everything and everyone. The girl who normally wears rose colored glasses is no more in her place a gothic shell of who I was before.
Then to make matters just a bit worse, it seems that the motherboard on my laptop has probably gone bad. So I now much pack up my computer and send it unto Toshiba. Thank God it is still under waranty.
I am trying to claw my way back to the surface but I am not sure I can.
Yes, you can find you way back. You are a fighter. Sometimes we have to find the smallest blessings in just the little things that are going right. I miss our nightly/morning skype sessions because of the lack of no electricity which means no internet. Just remember we love you.
ReplyDeleteTA
I really identify with this. :/
ReplyDeleteWhen I start feeling down, I try to find something small that makes me happy. My latest pick-me-uppers have been: painting my nails a crazy color, drawing badly (because i can't do it well for the life of me!), doing every single item of laundry in the house, or singing old Paula Abdul songs. It sounds silly, but it's the little things that always bring me back from the darkness.
Chin up. :)
I'm so sorry. Having your computer break must have felt like the final insult. One step at a time though. I like Steph's idea of just finding some little thing to do that is an indulgence, that will being you just a little bit of joy. It will make a huge difference -- just one little thing. One step at a time.
ReplyDeleteTake care.
OH sweetie! I'm so sorry you are in such a dark place. I've been there a time or ten. This is perhaps the toughest part of chronic pain, made even tougher when you're so far from your friends and family.
ReplyDeleteI know you can claw your way back. One step at a time. And remember you are strong and loved.
Long distance hug.