Monday, February 21, 2011

Returning from the abyss

So lately, emotional challenges hid in every crack and crevice of my life.  There was not a place I could turn where something dark and mysterious wasn't waiting to ambush me.  It became so grim that even my usual place of solace ceased to exist for a time being.  This level of comfort I had found with my darling Arnold had somehow vanished.  I was lost, scared, broken and bruised.  I had nowhere safe to turn.  Nothing about my life felt right anymore.  It seemed as if every ounce of hope had faded from my life.  Never mind tried to find a reason to go on, I couldn't find the strength to care about anything most of all myself.  I was empty and I couldn't see anything that could possibly reach me.  There was nothing left inside to reach.  So I sat, empty, scared, cold, alone and lost.  I was only sleeping in 2 to 3 hour spurts and usually got no more than 4 to 5 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period.

In hindsight, I can see that this lack of sleep was what brought about all the other problems and situations.  But at the time I absolutely could not see that.  Anyone that knows me understands that when I am stressed or upset, I get loud.  It's what I do, it's what I have always done.  So when I am ranting and raving like a banshee, it just means that I feel passionately about something.   This is the tactic I have always used to drive home my point.  However, roughly 20 hours ago I found that I no longer had the strength to rant and rave. I was empty.

There was no inflection in my voice, there was nothing left in me that felt anything other than numb.  I had even lost sight of the fact that what Arnold and I had found was worth fighting for.  I felt let down by everyone I knew in my life, including Arnold. I felt that I was no longer worth fighting for. So how could there be anything left with Arnold and I that was worth fighting for.  As I lay there trying to find the right words to explain to him how empty I felt, I could not find a way to reach him. I could not find a way to make him understand that darkness of where I was.

Luckily, at my lowest point he was strong enough to find me.  He was brave enough to reach for me when I couldn't be found.  I was completely lost and too exhausted to search for my beacon of hope.  It was then that my beacon of hope came to find me.  It was then that Arnold no longer concerned himself with the how, whens, or whys.  All he saw was the woman he loved in pain and unable to care for herself.  He longed to hold me and to ease my pain.  But again we were so far apart and he was unable to get to me.  Luckily, his strength carried him and he sat on the computer for hours with me.  He listened to be babble on about my health, my hurt, my pain, etc.  He sang to me.  He let me find peace in his voice once again.  He stayed with me for hours and hours and hours.  He sacrificed, he stayed with me, he didn't eat, didn't enjoy his day off.  He watched me sleep, he woke me as I whimpered and cried out in my sleep, he comforted me so that I could find rest.

I now find myself thinking a little clearer, feeling a little stronger, and allowing that peace to enter my body once more.   There aren't enough words in the world to thank Arnold for what he has done.  I can't thank him enough for finding the strength when I couldn't.  I am so blessed by his love for me.  I am so graced by his faith in us.

Favorite quote from both the poem by Wordsworth ( and the movie starring Natalie Wood.

Splendor in the Grass

What though the radiance which was once so bright
          Be now for ever taken from my sight,
              Though nothing can bring back the hour
          Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;
              We will grieve not, rather find
              Strength in what remains behind