Friday, February 18, 2011

Finding Solace

Pain is constant in my life.  The majority of it comes from the problems with my health.  Even though my health is stable I have a fair amount of nerve damage that causes me the pleasure of living with more pain than most. I want no pity for this and I try to rarely let it get me down.  I've become accustomed to it and I try to remember that pain is another sensation like hot or cold.  But when the pain is emotional and caused by someone you love thats when I begin to complain.  I found myself in the middle of a full fledged mess last night and I am sorry to say that my sweet Arnold was the one who got the brunt of my anger, confusion and pain.  I was an emotional wreck and I completely took it out on him. In part because I didn't know what else to do with it and the other part wanted to make sure he'd stay.  I know it wasn't a conscientious choice to be like that; but in retrospect I can see it clearly. I've been let down by a lot of people yet I really trust Arnold.  I trust his love for me.  I trust myself to be open with him.  Yet I wasn't.  I was a mess.  There were moments when I would frustrated and when I would start coming back to my senses he would get frustrated.  It went back and forth that way for quite some time. But neither of us, would let go.

Today, I found myself starting to wallow in guilt over the whole incident. But I know he wouldn't want me to do that.  So I started listening to music.  The music he has sent me when we skype with each other.

These are just two of the songs we have shared back and forth. Right now I am just enjoying all of them and letting them soothe my fragile spirit. It's the closest thing to having him with me right now.  I can hear his voice singing in my ear.

Never before in my life have I been able to share my thoughts and my feelings with someone.  We have spent countless hours on skype with each other. I have shared everything with him, I have told him everything. He understands me like no one every has.  He might even know me better than I know myself.  He is calm and loving when my thoughts go too fast for me. He always reminds me to pray. He prays for me when I cannot. I am so blessed to know such an amazing person.  He sees me, all of me, for who I am.  He gives me strength when I am weak, he loves me when I am unlovable (like last night), he isn't daunted by sharing this complicated sick life with me.  I never knew such a man existed. If I could have dreaamed it, he certainly wouldn't be mine. But he does and he is. I am happy.