Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Just stuff

So I’m feeling better and perkier than I have in a long time. I wish I new the magic formula to make that happen for everyone. I would never wish my illnesses on anyone but if I could give them this opportunity to see with the clarity that I am currently experiencing I would gladly do so. I would wish that they could experience the world the way I do because there are so many things that I experience differently and always have. I just never realized that what I was experiencing wasn’t the “norm.” It’s only been recently that I’ve really come to realize that my reality is very different than that of others. There are some symptoms I would love to share with others just because they are so bizarre. But I would never want anyone to be as intimate with their nervous system as I am with mine.  I won’t share the graphic details at this time but I will in a future post. Until then if you’re dying to know just ask, I’m an open book.
Back to clarity, I don’t think you reach true clarity without going thru some real thick muck.  And I’ve been through some merky mucky dark days. I’ve spent too many days sitting in the dark wondering when it’s going to get better, both literally and figuratively. I know that I will have to sit in the dark again in the future and that I will never have to ability to run a marathon or to climb a mountain. My body simply won’t let that happen for me.  But I gladly make that trade for exactly where I am at this moment. I know what I’ve been blessed with, I know the graces with which I live. Crawling onto that operating table in preparation to have my skull cracked open certainly puts life into perspective.  And since then I’ve been really busy with trying to get my life back into some kind of order. Trying to figure out what limitations I am going to have and what I don’t have to worry about. The cold hard truth is that I don’t have an answer for that, I will never have an answer for that, the specialists don’t have an answer for it either. I can’t be certain from day to day what I am going to feel like or what I am going to be able to do.  But I am just over worrying about it.  I will always have to travel with a suitcase full of drugs and with a shot of Toradol in my pocket. So I’ll never be able to run a marathon. Heck a simple 2 mile walk leaves me with more symptoms than I care to list or than you care to read.  I’m just tired of focusing on it. I’ve been so busy trying to figure out how I’m going to live, that I’ve been missing just living. Living up here so far from everything I’ve ever known has really given me an opportunity to get still for once in my life. And I’ve just remembered that I don’t like being still. So for now, I’m not going to be still.  It’s time to dance again…… even if I have to sit every other one out.