Thursday, July 30, 2009

Finding Inspiration

This started as a Facebook note but I felt it had a place here too.

So I 've been reading the notes of some friends. One a very close friend that I've known my entire life. The other just a casual acquaintance I've met through a friend here on Facebook. Both are struggling with issues. The kind of issues that get stuck in our heads and we wish we could push to the side or wipe clean from our recollections. But aren't we all. Don't we all have things that we wish we could unburden from our memories. Why are we taught from the moment we can walk that we need to "move on?" Why aren't we taught to sit with those memories and to become good friends with them? Why don't we learn to make them so commonplace that they no longer hold any power over us? Why is pain a bad thing? Maybe, just maybe, we are giving more power to the pain by trying to keep it at bay.

My new friend said, "I believe that it's better to be numb from being overwhelmed with feelings than to be numb due to apathy." I think that maybe we should stop seeking numb. We should stop trying to find a way to deal with pain so we can lock it away and hopefully put it on a shelf where it never bothers us again. Open that box!! Be overwhelmed!!! Let it push us to tears, crank up the sad songs that invoke those emotions and get to know them. Know that they have a place and it's not on the shelf. It's in our hearts, closest to the core of our beings. Maybe that's it.......... Instead of trying to get those thoughts and feelings out of heads and onto that damn shelf maybe we should just move them. Move them into our hearts and keep them right at the center of who we are. When you truly know someone they can no longer shock you. Even if their actions are not kind ones if you truly know every cell of their being then you are not surprised by their actions and you have the ability to shrug and say that's who they are. Why don't we try to find that same peace with what pains us? Only then can we take the sting out of the emotion. By being intimate with our emotions we learn that they are just sensations and they hold no power over us. They only make the journey of life more colorful, just the way our friends do.

For me this topic isn't just metaphorical, it's physical. Only I have no ability to feel numb. That gift was taken from me long ago. So many things in my everyday life are overwhelming. For most of you, the simple act of going to the movies is just a pleasurable way to spent a Saturday night. For me it rocks me to the core of being. It literally sets every nerve in my body on edge. I usually find myself emotionally drained and mentally exhausted after a simple picture show. The sounds, the movements, the camera angles bring about physical reaction in me that I have no control of. I could easily choose not to go to the movies, not to experience those sensations. My husband has even mentioned not taking me anymore. But the truth is, I won't stop living! I won't stop experiencing life even though it may not always be easy or pleasant. And now as the tears fall from my eyes, the nerves stand on edge, and movements of my eyes make my head spin; I couldn't stop myself from sharing. Because I know what it's like to live with these painful experiences both physically and emotionally. I have my scars both on my head from brain surgery and on my heart from loss. Maybe by sharing with you I'm becoming intimate with them. Trying to remove the sting from them. Since numb is a destination I will never reach I can only find comfort in the ability to feel be it pleasant or uncomfortable. I choose the experience because I refuse to live my life being still and succumbing to apathetic.